The Weekly Dose: A comprehensive, conflicted, confusing compendium of how to live a healthy life
Lifestyle gurus offer a wide variety of tips for healthy living that often contradict one another. I compiled their expert advice into a thoroughly bewildering model routine that no-one can follow.
Sleep on your back, don’t sleep on your side. Sleep on your side but don’t ever sleep on your stomach. Sleep however you want, but sleep. Sleep on a hard, thick mattress. Sleep on a waterbed. Sleep on the floor. Sleep for at least eight hours. Just seven will also do. Six at a pinch. Sleep for only four, but sleep well.
Rise with the sun. Sleep as long as you like. Everyone has a different circadian cycle. Everybody’s bodies have the same sleep cycle, they just don’t pay it any attention. Get out of bed as soon as you wake up. Lie in bed with your eyes closed and meditate. Hit the ground running. Allow your body to awaken.
Brush your teeth three times a day. Over-brushing causes sensitive teeth and receding gums. Chuck your toothbrush, use a neem twig. How can you put a tree in your mouth?
Tea is good. Coffee is bad. Tea is bad. Coffee is good. Tea can cause kidney failure. Tea is only a mild diuretic. Hot coffee may cause esophageal cancer. Coffee helps prevent Alzheimer’s. Nothing is better than green tea. Green tea interacts with your medications. Green tea prevents cancer.
Don’t drink a hot beverage on an empty stomach. Don’t drink coffee after dinner. Begin your day with a glass of warm water, and nothing else. But squeeze a lemon in it if you have one. Oh, and splash a dollop of honey. A bit of cinnamon powder won’t hurt. And fling in some herbs while you’re at it. Have you any aloe vera?
Apply aloe vera extract on sunburns. After a workout, enjoy an aloe vera smoothie. If you’re constipated, gulp down some aloe vera juice. Use it as a mouthwash. And to help with your diabetes. And acidity. Liberally apply it on all body surfaces to slow down aging. For best results, bathe in it. Afterward, paint your toenails with it. To stave off hunger pangs, chew on a piece. When you’re hungry, eat a piece. Powder it and sprinkle it on your children for all-round good health.
Skipping breakfast is criminal. Breakfasts are overrated. Breakfast like a king. Too much breakfast will make you drowsy. Begin your day with protein. And carbs. Also, fats.
Eat five small meals at frequent intervals. Eat three meals a day, and no more. Stop eating before your stomach is full. Never remain hungry.
Sugar will kill you. Sugars combat hypoglycemia. Carbs will kill you. Carbs provide energy. Fats will block your arteries. Fats are critical for brain function.
Avoid all white foods. But a bit of butter never hurt Betty Botter, or anyone else. And Sunday ho ya Monday, roz khao andey. But rice will be the end of anyone left in the Indian Union after the South and the East have seceded.
Eat only fresh fruits and vegetables that have fallen naturally from their parent trees and plants, and were collected by Taoist monks under fading moonlight, when Venus was in the east-south-east, and the morning dew had just begun to vanish into the ether. Eat anything that moves.
Eat whatever you want but in moderation. Don’t eat most things, but eat the things you like. Don’t eat the things you like, eat healthily.
Coconut oil is a poor cooking medium. Olive oil is wise. Rice bran oil is iffy. Virgin olive oil is safe. If you would like to slowly occlude your blood vessels, cook with sunflower oil. Extra virgin olive oil should be your only choice. Olive oil makes you fat.
Avoid snacking on processed foods, munch on nuts instead. But not betelnut. Nibble instead on walnuts, macadamia nuts, Brazil nuts or any other nuts that don’t cost peanuts.
Stand up! Too much sitting leads to heart attacks. Work at a standing desk. Standing for long hours causes varicose veins. Sit down. Sit up. Sit straight. Sit cross-legged. Kneel. Don’t kneel, relax. But don’t slouch.
Running is the best exercise. Running ruins your knees. Swimming is the best cardio. Swimming pools are unhygienic. There’s nothing better than a long walk. A casual walk isn’t exercise. But walk whenever and wherever you can. Although it doesn’t count. Walk walk walk.
It’s okay to lift weights. Lifting weights damages your joints. Push yourself. Take it easy.
Don’t drink alcohol. A glass of red wine is good for your heart. Avoid beer. Wash your hair with it. Vodka is terrible. Vodka helps alleviate the pains of arthritis. Whiskey is the worst. Nothing fights a cold better than some hot toddy.
Spend time out in the sun. Too much sun causes cancer. Use sunscreen. Your sunscreen is ineffective.
Listen to your body. Don’t listen to your body, listen to the experts. The experts know nothing, listen to your body...