Exclusive: Lost pages from a 2031 science book - How to make gold from cow milk- the Dilip Ghosh way
Our satirical look at the future of West Bengal and a lost page from a future science book.
In this day and age, when news stories break even before they’ve taken place, we have done the unthinkable. We are breaking a story from the future!
Press forward for future.
The year is 2031. The country is Hindustan. The state, West Bengal (aka Nostalgia old age home). Chief Minister Dilip Ghosh has turned all beef-serving outlets into Gau Shalas and anti-national colleges into Ram temples. Following Presidency & Jadavpur Universities’ demise, WhatsApp & Jio Universities are currently battling it out for the top institution’s spot. Pubs are offering ‘Gau Mutra’ happy hours and ‘Yamuna water’ shots (with extra foam). GDP growth has stopped being counted, simply because it stopped growing. West Bengal finally has employment in the form of Gau Rakshak Brigades. Talking about Brigade, it has been renamed as Shyamaprasad Udyan and Syawamsevaks regularly mock exercise there. Samosa has replaced Singara, and Phuchkas are a thing of the past, because Gol Gappa sounds cuter. Molestation rates have gone down drastically after all #artbois & #softbois were jailed under sedition charges and Anti-Romeo squads maintain strong vigilance in and around Nalban.
Our brave reporters risked their lives and went to this future reality on their Pushpak Rathas and uncovered a page from an NCERTea Science Book which demonstrates how to distil gold from the milk of Indian cows. We felt that it is our duty as journalists to share the knowledge as a public service. So here you go.
(The Dilip-stillation Process)
How to make gold from ‘Gau Dugdha' - The Dilip Ghosh way
Gau Dugdha (from Indian Gau Matas and not 'foreign' Cow Aunties)
Gau Mutra (To be bought from authorised Patanjali stores)
Water from Rabindra Sarobar (Make sure the toxicity levels are beyond the index)
An induction cooker which works on Gutter Gas (May be bought from NaMo stores)
Clamp (May be bought from Dassault Reliance Limited)
In this experiment, we follow the process of simple Dilip-stillation, named after our Lord, saviour and Chief Minister Dilip Ghosh. Back in 2019, Lord Ghosh, then BJP President of the West Bengal unit, serendipitously discovered this process of distilling pure gold from cow milk. He was attending a programme of an outfit called Ghosh and Gabhi Kalyan Samiti (Welfare Committee for Ghoshes and Cows) in Burdwan, and while offering prayers to a cow and a calf, he had his eureka moment. He jumped, hopped and snatched the microphone to share this discovery with the world. Since then, nothing has been the same. Gold has lost its relevance, ‘Gold Standard’ finds itself in history books and founders of gold loan companies have committed suicide (whoever was left after the PMC debacle). 4th November or the Golden Letter Day is celebrated with as much zeal as Ram Nabami or Chhat Puja.
Now you have to take he holy milk extracted from an Indian cow at the moment when she goes ‘Hamba’ and put in a distillation flask.
Then arrange the apparatus as shown in Fig.20.02.
Heat the holy milk slowly with the help of induction cooker fuelled by Gutter Gas
Keep your third eye on the thermometer
The 99.99% Manappuram gold (endorsed by Akshay Kumar) vaporises, condenses in the condenser and can be collected from the condenser outlet
Kheer is left behind in the distillation flask for you to enjoy with your sibling
Modi Ji is great
“There is a nari (blood vessel) that helps produce gold with the help of sunshine…. we have to keep those (local) cows. The breeds of cow that we bring from abroad are not cows. They are a kind of janwar (beast). These foreign breeds don’t sound like cows, which go hamba…. So those are not our gau mata but our aunties. It will not be good for the country if we worship such aunties …It is not right to worship our gods with the milk of foreign breeds, like Jersey cows. Even the gods of our nation don’t accept foreign commodities” - Dr Dilip Ghosh
Don’t marry ‘foreign wives’